i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
