wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
