The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I am available for nakedness
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
