OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
FUCK WHALES
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
