remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
