bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Randomize
