Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
