My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
