dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
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He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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