what day is it and did you see me today?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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