I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
BRING THE BAGELS
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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