I wish I only lived at night.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
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Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
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Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
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