i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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