TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
