I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize