his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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