So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
wow bdsm is so cute
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
