I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
