u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
