we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Someone signed my nipple.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
