Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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