My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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