Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
