Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
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