Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
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Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
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I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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