so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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