After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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