the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
