Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
