So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
