Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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