My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Randomize
