i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
