My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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