You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Randomize
