you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
