i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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