i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
