god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
