I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I just threw up on my dentist
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
