I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
