3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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