Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
