They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
