I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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