when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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