When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
