My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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