I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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