i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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