whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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