I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
My vagina is officially offended.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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