Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
