Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
