P.S. I can't hear my feet
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
