he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
