Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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