My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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