My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
