Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Randomize
