im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
