If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
two words: eviction party
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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