I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
