my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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